Pains and Gains

2015 is finally coming to a close and not to be a cliché, but really, where has the time gone? This year has been nothing short of a whirlwind, so here’s me summing up all the major things I realised in 2015.

I’ve realised this year that I’m really fucking good in a crisis situation.

I feel like my life, this whole year, has been a crisis. I’ve gone through being deep in my overdraft, having no money to eat or pay my rent, doing long 13 hour shifts, serving drunk customers and still managing to pull myself together. I started at my dream University earlier this year and anxiety, my old friend, decided to show up and ruin the party. Being stressed and experiencing high levels of anxiety, I find, go hand in hand. It’s like, I’ll be stressed and get anxious that I’m stressed and get even more stressed that I’m anxious, you see where I’m going with this … I still managed to keep to deadlines, hand in all my assignments on time and get my shit together.

I realised that big bags of frozen (and mince) are literally the best thing ever.

I’ve never really lived away from my parents for a long period of time, so moving away was a real learning curve. (a good one though) I discovered 1.5kg bags of frozen chicken and mince, (Morrisons I love you) thanks for being practically the base of every meal I’ve had for the last 2 months and for not breaking the bank *my already very, very broke student bank*

I realised how much love I have for myself and those surrounding me.

I have continued to grow and love myself even more than I did at the beginning of the year. Honestly, I’m so damn proud of myself for coming through this year and I feel like a lot of you don’t tell yourself enough that you’re proud of yourself. I’ve realised that I have a small, yet very STRONG support system and that’s exactly how I intend to keep it. I’m very open to exploring new relationships, making new friends, people to work with, but I do have high standards for my friends. All my friends are the most reliable, beautiful and loving people I’ve ever encountered. I don’t believe in having part time friends, or friends for different occasions. I don’t have a friend I go to dinner with, a specific friend I go to exhibitions with and another to go clubbing with. That’s lame. If that works for you, then I’m glad, but I just think why have a different friend for each occasion when you could have a friend for every? I’m blessed to have the most supportive, talented friends ever. Keep doing what you’re doing, we won’t always be this broke I promise.

I realised why everyone hates their Landlord.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I don’t have London’s worst landlord but he’s definitely in the running. He does actually reply to my emails and text messages and I’m grateful, but he’s definitely like that friend you have that’s like “yeah, I’ve left man I’m literally 10 minutes away” and they’ve just jumped out of the shower. (I’m actually that friend, but whatever) he says he’s going to do something, acts super organised, when in reality he’s not doing anything and really has no fucking clue. FYI, calling your friend in when we have an infestation of blue bottles and mice isn’t actually sorting the problem really is it. In reality though, all Landlords suck, just try and make sure you get one of the less sucky ones.

I realised that you can literally furnish your whole house with furniture left on Brixton streets.

Trust me on this one, it’s no joke. When you’re next free in Brixton, look out for the amount of free stuff people just leave outside their houses with the note “help yourself!” you’ll be amazed. The list includes many, many many sofas, television sets, beds, microwaves, electrical heaters and even an exercise bike. I managed to secure a free computer chair for my desk, some Ikea shelves and a whole load of other shit. Thanks again Brixton, always looking out for a poor girl in need.

I realised that I’m an empath.

I didn’t even know empath’s existed until earlier on this year, but from stumbling across other people’s stories and experiences it’s really helped me realise there’s nothing wrong with the way that I am and many others are go through similar experiences each day.
If you don’t know what an empath is, the mind unleashed do a pretty good job of summing it up:

“Being an empath is when you are affected by other people’s energies, and have an innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive others. Your life is unconsciously influenced by others’ desires, wishes, thoughts, and moods. Being an empath is much more than being highly sensitive and it’s not just limited to emotions.”

I’ve always been able to tune into other people’s vibes, I can pick up your vibe before you even speak and, on a surface level, that seems great, but it isn’t always. Negative energies effect me so much more intensely than others. If I’m surrounded by a constant negative source of energy (a consistently negative person) I really feel like I’m being drowned in their energy. I can feel it weighing down on me and it really fucks with my mental state. Even negative images have the same effect on me. I remember a girl on twitter, who identified as an empath, warned others not to watch the new AHS because of the very strong unusual dreams she had been experiencing. Me being a big AHS fan, and an idiot, decided to ignore that tweet and 20 minutes into the first episode I was so unsettled by it my boyfriend had to turn it off. and I know you’ll be thinking “well, isn’t that just the gore?” No, it’s not. Believe it or not, my dreams were pretty unsettling for a few days after. Identifying myself as an empath has made me so much more aware of my being and what affects me and equally what doesn’t. I know what situations that I’ll be comfortable within and those that I wouldn’t.

2015 really was full of a lot of love, realisations and disappointments, but it really has shaped me and helped me realise what I need to work on in the new year and what I need to be more aware of! I hope everyone’s had an eventful 2015 and is ready for all the good things 2016 has to offer. Be thoughtful and open to new experiences and congratulate yourself for coming through another year. You’re a lot stronger than you believe.

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